19 June 2003

I would have to say that since I was in high school I have been chasing something. At a basic level I have been chasing women, grades or that particular something that supposedly will make you feel good. Today, while on vacation for two days, I felt that need to chase something again. I ended up going to a record store thinking that maybe music will pick me up. I looked at some DVD's and some records, but I realized rather quickly that buying will not make me feel any better.

As I was leaving Rasputin's, which is a record store chain in the Bay Area, someone flagged me down. It turns out it was one of the tutors I had when I first attended Berkeley. She's currently the director of the Learning Center which will be celebrating its 30th year at Berkeley. I look back and realize that it's been about 15 years since I was an undergraduate. How time flies!

Even then as an undergraduate, I was searching for something. I tried becoming a tutor thinking that the ability to teach would give me something. For a few years, it gave me my speed. But now, I look back and realize that it is just part of the journey for the search for truth.

I was with the SO last night visiting a friend I had not seen in a while. Our friend is very interesting because she has this impenetrable piece of shield about her. She enjoys learning about everyone else, but does not allow others into herself. It is a very lonely and isolating type of life to live. It reminds me of how I used to live. It is not difficult to do when you are in your 20's, but if you are a monkey, you get bored really easily. That's probably why I kept pissing off people in my 20's. Damn, it's amazing that they actually stuck by me. I sure as hell would not have.

I sensed last night that our friend is searching for a truth. In what shape the truth will appear should be interesting. To some truth appears in the form of money. To others, it appears as an art or skill to be practiced and lived. Still to others, truth evades them for some past transgressions in this life or a past one. I suppose that each day, if I don't watch it, I might miss the truth that I have been searching for.