Monday, May 31, 2004

Garage Sale 2004

Did not have as much stuff to sell in the garage sale. I suppose I was not focused enough in my quest to select and let go of certain things.

When I buy things, I want those things to become a permanent part of myself. It is very unusual of me to buy things so that I can release them into the world. But the clutter book suggests that I do this thing.

It probably goes to the idea of poverty mentality. I feel that I don't have enough in this world and so I hoard everything. I know that I must believe that the world will provide for me. After all, did not friends let us borrow stuff that we need?

I need to be more focused in the quest to let go of t-shirts which I do not wear anymore. It will be for my own good.
New lives begin with new things

Since I am going to be joining the SO in a new life next year, we are beginning to consolidate and collect the new materials which will accompany us on our journey. She has already written about the mahogany bed inherited from a very kind and trusting friend. As an aside, friends like these are hard to find. They give with their heart and are very generous. Yet they remain shy about their generosity. If it were up to me, I would be waving their names here and there. But as it is, I include them in my prayers for my family, because that is how I look upon them.

Friday evening, we picked up a V8 Tacoma from our friends A and H. Once more another set of friends with whom we are very thankful for. They are also generous with their time and their blessings. The only thing I could try to give them is laughter from my wild and wacky self. The Tacoma is one awesome truck that drives like a car. You hardly feel the road because the suspension is so good. A mentioned that he might sell the truck in a couple of years. Maybe my business is in place by that that I can purchase the truck.

Saturday, we got on the road to pick up the bed and other things at San Francisco. The donors live in a beautiful sun lit area of San Francisco. I was surprised by the change in character in the neighborhood. We drove through Chinatown's grit; we drove through a tunnel where Robby wrote his love for Kelly in dyslexic clarity on the dusty tunnel walls; and suddenly, we were driving ourselves in a posh area. The wonders of living in an urban city is amazing. The change is instantaneous.

We get to the apartment and assess the donations. Hmm, maybe three trips will be necessary for this one. There are a lot of furniture to move. I glance around and am amazed that E our donor has packed just about everything that could be packed. I was left wondering whether even spiders were packed in a particular box to make sure the move was complete. What am I talking about? There would not be any spiders around here.

I have bad memories of moving. Perhaps it can be traced to my teen-age years in America where my family moved without everything being packed. At the last minute, you took a trash bag, dumped everything in it, and then moved. It was change that disrupted the monotony of my life. I don't like moving.

We began moving and I prayed that the elevator would fit everything. I don't like carrying stuff on the stairs. Oddly enough, with the direction of the SO and my incessant fears tugging at me, we finish the first pack. The beaureau was an intimidating mahogany cabinet. The table drawers were nice. As the SO said, the furniture are symbols of new lives beginning in America. The furniture are meant to stay and give sustenance to the soul. Each time you open the beaureau, you open the first day of the rest of your life in America.

We are lucky enough to find parking in front of the place. We unload reasonably well. No new major injuries like crushed fingers. I am pierced by an uncooperative sliver of wood. Minor blood vessel damage accompanied by a wailing of a wild boy unused to hard labor.

We have dinner at another friend's mother's hourse. The lunch is tuyo and tortang talong. Odd, I promise myself when I leave the Philippines that I will never eat tuyo. Twenty five years later, I crave the taste and the salt of tuyo. God has funny ways of reminding who you are. Our friend D is playing host on Sunday with the garage sale. D is helping her mother steam clen the house.

We leave for SF at 3PM for the last trip. We manage to move the bed and various bed accessories to the house. The SO begins to assemble the bed. I don't like beds. I have always slept on the floor. The expanse of the floor is a comfort. I can roll around as much as I want, I will not fall. I am afraid of falling from the four poster bed. It is high. Really high.

The SO insists that it is OUR bed now. I worry about the SO scrunching up and taking the blanket. Twenty years of living alone and having my very own blanket makes me wary of sharing blankets. Why share when it is plentiful? Here, you get your own, I get my own. I am so tired from the move that I close my eyes. I open my eyes and I have slept for forty-five minutes. Hmm, not bad. The back does not hurt. We return the truck and go out to Kamakura in Alameda. Nice restaurant with large pieces of fish. Very nice. We don't realize that it is very late. We get home at 11PM.

Saturday evening, I sleep on the "OUR" bed again. Sunday morning, I wake up with drool on the pillow. The bed has passed the drool test.

Friday, May 28, 2004

Memorial Day Weekend

Fridays come by and I am no longer surprised. Sometimes, it takes an eternity. Soemtimes, it is just like a flash.

We are having a garage sale. It will be fun I suppose. What worries me are the reports that I need to finish and need to write. that is the pain that rubs the most. BUt, you might as well work now so you don't have to when you are old and grizzled. AT least that is the plan.

The memorial to the World War II veterans has opened in Washington DC. Need to visit that one day.

Take care this weekend.

Tuesday, May 25, 2004

Gay marriages and the destruction of the family

In an article by Dennis Rainey (It's Time to Take a Stand, visit buhayamerika), it is hypothesized that marriage will be ruined by gay marriages.

Let me proposition that marriage was ruined by divorce. That as soon as people could come and go as boyfriends and girlfriends, marriage was no longer sacred, unbreakable except by God.

It is incorrect to say that extending marriages to gays will ruin marriage. Marriage as an institution is already ruined. And we don't have to blame gays for that. Only heterosexuals were allowed to be married prior to 2004.

Tsk, tsk.
One day at a time

I am in the middle of a blitz of fears. Througout it all, I just have to ride the seatbelt and know that I can go through it. All I have to do is take a deep breath and continue to breathe. Life goes on.

So long as I do my best, it will turn out okay.

I would not be here if I did not deserve to be here.

Opportunity knocks in the wackiest of places.

I must act, move and direct myself. I can not hide or slinker or stay still. I will address issues as they come up. This is how things get done.

One day at a time.

Monday, May 24, 2004

Congenital Worrier

I am a perfectionist so I can not help but worry about fulfilling expectations at work. I am so frustrated that my acid reflux has returned. I probably have to go to my physician to get me some anti-reflux medicine.

The last time this happened was with the post-doc. That was one experience best left uncommented upon.

So, I realize the transition to a smaller company will be hard. There will be more work. But with challenges come opportunity.

Sometimes, the fear takes hold and I am paralyzed. My Tuhan tells me that I have to move, to do something and not just hide or ignore the signs. I will try to do this. I know it is the right path. I must act.

I have expressed that perhaps I will leave my profession in ten years. People are surprised by this. But I realize that family and seeing my children grow up is something that is important. I am only on this earth on a temporary basis. I would like to know my children while they were growing up. Once they are teen-agers, I don't believe that they would want to hang out with me anymore. They will have a life. I don't want to have any regrets.

So yup, I might have to leave the profession without becoming a vice-president. Pero, yung mga direktor ay puro trabaho na lang ang ginagawa. Dose hangggang katorse oras and trabaho. Hindi para sa akin ito.

Ingat kayo kabayan!

Sunday, May 23, 2004

Fallen Angles and Lost Lunches

Bwahahahhaha! Eileen finally responded to my sentence: "Eileen Tabios alone is worth losing your dinner over." While rereading the post, I had to laugh and leave that line. Hey, I did not consciously write it. It's just that I write English as if it were Tagalog. Which means that I own English. Snark! Snark!

Just visit her blog to see a brilliant mind at work and at play. Mostly at play!!!

A Life in Twenty Years

A Life in Twenty Years

Yesterday, the SO and I sat down and planned for the next twenty years. In about thirty minutes, we saw our future. I was once more amazed and fearful. Five years goes by really quickly. With the snap of one's fingers, I had a child in three years; I had two in five years; I had three in ten years. WOW!

But, as I wrote before, it is necessary for me to have a rough idea where I am going towards. Otherwise, I get distracted really easily. Perhaps, I have some disappointment that I can not do some of the things I want to do earlier. But hey, who knows? I have heard that one of the SO's uncles might want to fix up houses. Maybe we can get into that and buy houses and then have him fix it up so that we can later flip the house.

A cousin of mine texted me from the Philippines and I was surprised! Hi Manang P! I am always excited at reopening lines of communication. It lets me glimpse my past and my parent's past which I do not know as much.

Today is a gift and I will enjoy it as much as possible. Though work is stressful, I will adjust because it is only a temporary moment in my life.

Take care you all and have a good week with your family.

Saturday, May 22, 2004


Came up with an epiphany on Wednesday evening while having dinner at Tanjie a Moroccan restaurant in Oakland. I realized that I have been restless, afraid and out of sorts because I don't know what I want in my life.

Since coming to America, I have been planning for the life of one person, me. No one else mattered and no one else was in the plan. Even when I was wooing women, I did not really see them in my life. Perhaps they picked up on this.

But over the last six years with the SO, I have unsconciously changed the way I thought from the point of view of "I" to the point of view of "WE." So, the last few years, I knew it would be my life with someone else, it's just that I did not realize that consciously. Thus, my life had a purpose, but the stated conscious purpose was different from the unconscious purpose.

I told the SO on Wed that we had to begin planning together because otherwise, I did not know where to go. It's odd. For the last 22 years, I have been planning for myself. It's odd that I would want to voluntarily plan with another person. Another reason that I am scared probably.

The work was getting to me. The amount of work and the expectations were insane. I had to speak to my boss and perhaps I better understand the situation. I came out with two ideas. Assess the efficiency of my direct reports. Take home some of the work.

I worry about too many things. I believe it gives me the edge because I can identify problems earlier. BUT, do I resolve the problems or do I just worry about them?

Wednesday, May 19, 2004


Ewan ko nga ba kung bakit ba para akong takot ngayon. Katulad ako ng isang batang nawawala sa palengke. Nasaan ang aking magulang? Yaya, nasaan ka?

Isang dahilan siguro ay ang nalalapit na oras para ang aking pinagtatrabahuhan ay maging isang maliit na kumpanya. Kagagaling ko lang sa isang maliit na kumpanya na nagsasara ngayong Mayo. Natanggal ako sa trabaho nuong Oktubre. Ayaw kong matangal sa trabaho ulit.

Kaya nga ako nagpupursigeng habaan ang oras na ginagawa ko sa aking trabaho. Dahil natatakot akong matanggal muli. Pero sa tutuo lang, ayoko na talaga ng mga stress sa trabaho. Kasi nga, hindi naman talaga maganda o wasto ang katuwiran ng kinagagalingan ng stress. Puro pekeng kailanganin. Kung tinitingnan ng pamahalaan ang aking pinagtatrabahuhan, hindi naman nila titingnan ang mga aming inaabala. Sila ay titingin sa ekis. Inaakaso namin ang mga bilog.

Ewan ko nga ba.

Sunday, May 16, 2004


The niece and my sister and her husband left for Los Angeles this afternoon. I am swept by different emotions. On the one hand, I was getting weary of having so many people around me. After all, nearly 18 years of living alone has made me satisfied of living alone. Up to now, I still have my own apartment separate from the SO. On the other hand, the home is so quiet now that my sister's family has left. It made me very contemplative and very sad. The SO also was saddened by the fact that the little one will no longer try to wake up the SO in the morning. The niece crawls around the bed and goes up and down the SO's body. Sometimes, her foot steps on the foot of the sleeping person. Other times, the hand pushes into the stomach.

The niece has made me think about children the last week. I am amazed at the effort that my sister expends on taking care of her. I never thought that my sister would ever have that much patience or that much love. My sister explains it as some magical hormone which changes the personality of people. Once you have a child, you will be willing to do so much for that offspring. Evolutinarily speaking, I understand the concept. However, I wonder if it will ever happen to me.

Following the niece around last night wore me out. She was grumpy, then ecstatic. Grumpy then ecstatic. Sad then energized. Can someone say rechargeable batteries? I don't know how the big sister does it. I stared at my sister and she seems to be doing many many things all at once. You should have seen it once the little one threw up. Oh my god!!! Can it get better? Apparently, everyone was used to it. But my nerves were shot. Holy Cow! I probably will have to get some disinfectant into that leather couch. Shit!

The little one is great though. It makes me wistful and very scared about having someone like her. I look upon it as my sister was not as hyper as I was. She was not as mischievous as I was. My kids might be even a lot worse than the niece. God help me!

Monday, May 10, 2004

Maganda Magazine

Maganda has been published once more. I must admit that my poems did not get in, so you can accuse me of being bitter. First things first, order by sending money (I suggest $20 because of the poets in it) to

Maganda Magazine
U.C. Berkeley
10 Eshleman Hall
Berkeley CA 94720

Of course, there are awesome writers/poets on Maganda. The fallen angel guided Eileen Tabios rides at the front with her beauty unbound. The always intriguing and forceful Elynia S. Mabanglo who should be a National Artist if those in the Philippines would get off their intellectual towers and actually recognize someone who is great. The omnipresent Barbaja Jane P. Reyes makes an unprecendented multiple appearance in all her beauteous Hispanic self! And my personal whipping boy, (Kachak! the whip cracks into the air) Virgilio S. Almario who once more tries to write about Balagtasan because he sure as hell can't lecture about it.

And there is an article on the re-evaluation of PCN by Ernesto Manacop who follows on the footsteps of Theodore Gonsalvez. Good, the other side has some writers about what happened to PCN during the "Nullification." I was afraid that they would simply lose all their good ideas.

At any rate, go buy the magazine. I am not in it, but hell, you can go to my other blog and find out what Ninoy and Apo are doing in Falujah, Washington DC and here at home where my niece burps and laughs at the ghosts of her ancestors. There are some pretty damn good people in the publication. Eileen Tabios alone is worth losing your dinner over. Add to that Ms. Mabanglo, and you really can afford to lose $20, your dinner, your movies and a whole day's meal.
Banana Island in Daly City

The sister's visit continues. She and her family was nice enough to pick me up from work. We ended up eating at Banana Island which serves Singaporean food. It is Pan-Asian cuisine with mixes of Thai, Malaysian, Indian and Singapore. The utensils they give are spoon and fork which makes this Pin@y really happy.

The menu started off with the Satay chicken. Very good tender pieces of chicken skewered by bamboo sticks. The sauce that comes with it is spicy!!! Next up is a delicious yellow, thin noodle in a pot. It gets a mark lower because of the nasty mushroom that is in it. Really, must we put mushrooms in everything? Then there is the pad-thai which is slightly spicy and not so sweet. This is different from the American Thai food that I am usually gorging on. And lastly, I got the Singaporean fried rice. Very good with a mix of shrimps.

The Sunday was spent at Japantown with Mother's Day celebrated galore. Go to Umeki which is a Japanese restaurant with all you can eat seafood. The salmon was fresh. The tuna was good. I gorged on sashimi. The other food was excellent for buffet prices. Oyster were served. There was salmon with cream sauce. Crabs with spicy pepper. And sushi! Are you a sushi fiend? Just want to eat sushi forever? Go to Umeki. I paid $20 per person. Pretty good deal.

The evening was a visit to the SO's parents where they were kind enough to give a great meal and a birthday cake to my sister. Which brings me to the part that I forgot to get her a gift in Japantown where the pearls were 50% off. Maybe nezt time.

Saturday, May 08, 2004

Visits from the Sister

My sister is visiting me with her family. It is fun because I get to see the niece who is as rambunctious as I am intelligent. There is something beautiful to think that I am an uncle. The only time I get second thoughts is when I hear her scream. Nagaalburuto. I am scared by her ability to increase her voice. Carp! I must be old when I am now caring about how I look in public.

Even more amazing is that just yesterday, my family came from the Philippines. Now, my sister has a family and I am getting married sometime next year. Life sure goes by fast.

Monday, May 03, 2004

Photos, photos reveal the world

Okay, heads up. Images from Suplada make up the Pinay Blog of the Day for the 3rd of May 2004.

Pinay wins at LPGA Golf

A Filipina Jennifer Rosales won an LPGA event yesterday 2 May 2004.

I can't find a quick link to her!

Sunday, May 02, 2004

Pilipino Poems

If you ever wanted Pin@y poems, here it is.
Summoned by sequels

Here's the story of a single mother living in New York. I enjoy the photos and the thoughts of a mother living in NY. It is interesting that she sings to her child an English song. Makes me smirk at the reach of American influence. Any other immigrant mother and it would have been a lullaby in their country's language.

The Dec 26, 2003 entry discusses her NOT being date material. Funny, because I also belong to this category. We are not glamourous in appearance and prefer simple clothes and simple lives. But for some reason, we are attracted to "lookers, high maintenance" people. It is a supreme gift of the divine that I managed to avoid being pierced by a high maintenance looker. Go see her entry to see an unvarnished truth. Follow that up with her entry about "First Times" and you have the making of a blog that speaks truth. This blog is a very rare treat in this wide world of web waste (Copyright R. V. Pascual 2004).

Chi's twistedxfactor is the Pinay Blog of the Day for the 2nd of May.
A Krix Goes Dancing, SF State Pin@y Students and King's Charcoal BBQ in Geary

Last night the 1st of May, the SO had a performance with Palabuniyan Kulintang Ensemble in ODC Theatre. It is always exciting to see the show in a dance cultural show. It is different to see her not be so macho with hypertestosterone. I see that side of her which is beauty walking on earth and that is another proof to the existence of god.

In the martial art halad that she performed, the SO used Krix the kris. I believe this is the first show for Krix and it showed. As I have said before, the SO usually will go in trancelike state during a halad or offering. In this halad, Krix was confused as to what he is supposed to be doing. It seemed like he was wary of the audience as the whole time, the thrusts of the sword was towards the audience. Krix was almost saying "Who are you and why are you watching me? Are you a threat?"

The PKE performance was in ODC theatre which did not sell out. It was nice to see the SF State students, but they were rather rowdy for such small groups. Yes, it is nice to see their spirit or rather hear their spirit. They kept shouting "Section 1" or "Section 2." And they kept screaming "Bahala na!" in that interminable American accent. For pity's sake, get the accent correct!

And they acted like high school children. That is probably my most interesting concern. For example, one of their names had bagoong as a counterpoint. Something like "Section 2 the Greatest High Falutin With Bagoong on the Side." But hey! Do you use "bagoong" because you think it is a funny object that smells and stinks up the place, or do you use the word because you are proud that people in the Philippines live on bagoong to survive (refer to Carlos Bulosan)?

On the plus side, the evening ended with most of the group going to King's Charcoal BBQ in Geary cross street 2nd Street in San Francisco. We ordered the menu for six which gave us all kinds side dishes along with the main meal consisting of BBQ beef, pork, spare ribs, sea food, sotanghon noodles. We added some order for BBQ chicken. Not bad for $175. The charcoal cooked food was fantastic. The side dishes needed some work as it was not as plentiful as Koryo BBQ in Berkeley. But, the bul go ki was excellent. The pork BBQ had the right mix of spice. The spare ribs was heavenly!

Taking advantage of Democrats

Gino's May 1st entry poses a question about the nature of blogging as compared to journalism. I personally believe that blogging is an exercise in one's ability to be heard in a democratic country. The goal is not to become famous or to be better than journalism. The goal is to get one's opinion out there. For minorities like Pin@ys, the community lacks the whallop of intelligent and precise news commentators. We substitute for the low star wattage with a bunch of unknown writers writing about important community events and matters.

As for the liberal movement, it should realize that Reagan did change the way in which journalism is handled. They should wake up, conform and get the damned White House back. I am sick of having an idiot for a president. Not only an idiot, but also one who ran away from the f*cking draft because he was daddy's baby.

Bill Maier is correct. If you want to become a president, you must have served in a war.
The Filipino American Center of the San Francisco Public Library presents:

Transcending Nostalgia: Filipino Writings in Diaspora

Please join us for the Bay Area launch of three Filipino-authored books:

BEHIND THE BLUE CANVAS, Stories by Eileen Tabios
NOT HOME BUT HERE, Edited by Luisa Igloria
OUR OWN VOICE, Edited by Reme Grefalda

Featuring Reme Grefalda, Luisa Igloria, Barbara Jane Reyes, Leny Mendoza Strobel, Eileen Tabios, and Jean Vengua

Sunday May 9, 2004 1:00 pm - 4:00 pm

~As this event takes place on Mother's Day and all panelists are daughters and/or mothers, please consider including this event in your celebration of mothers. Note that the time (1-4 p.m.) means you can fit this in after brunch or before dinner!~

Latino/Hispanic Community Room Main Library Lower Level

100 Larkin Street (at Grove) 415.557.4277

Copies of these authors' publications will be available for sale and signing.

All programs at the Library are free.