Came up with an epiphany on Wednesday evening while having dinner at Tanjie a Moroccan restaurant in Oakland. I realized that I have been restless, afraid and out of sorts because I don't know what I want in my life.
Since coming to America, I have been planning for the life of one person, me. No one else mattered and no one else was in the plan. Even when I was wooing women, I did not really see them in my life. Perhaps they picked up on this.
But over the last six years with the SO, I have unsconciously changed the way I thought from the point of view of "I" to the point of view of "WE." So, the last few years, I knew it would be my life with someone else, it's just that I did not realize that consciously. Thus, my life had a purpose, but the stated conscious purpose was different from the unconscious purpose.
I told the SO on Wed that we had to begin planning together because otherwise, I did not know where to go. It's odd. For the last 22 years, I have been planning for myself. It's odd that I would want to voluntarily plan with another person. Another reason that I am scared probably.
The work was getting to me. The amount of work and the expectations were insane. I had to speak to my boss and perhaps I better understand the situation. I came out with two ideas. Assess the efficiency of my direct reports. Take home some of the work.
I worry about too many things. I believe it gives me the edge because I can identify problems earlier. BUT, do I resolve the problems or do I just worry about them?