Session three
Three hours of uncluttering my bedroom has passed. I have seen lost shorts, unused shirts and memories of the past well up. I have had to make strong decisions on whether or not I have to sell or let go of something. Some are reasonably easy to let go. For example, anything associated with graduate school was let go. That includes data for all the experiments I had. Others are not so easy. Clothes that my mother bought me for instance makes me suddenly sad. I miss her.

I suppose this is all the more the reason to let go of the physical so that I can savor the memories and not be sad at missing her. Odd that when you remember someone who has passed away, you might remember the good things and feel happy. On the other hand, when you hold something that they physically bought for you, you feel the emotional loss.

I hang onto these physical, material objects with the hope of bringing back the memory and the moment. Why do I do that? At any instance, I can remember my mother. I don't have to remember her in her physical decline. I can remember her as a sweet, charming, funny, aggressive, principled, tolerating and smiling person. Each time I see an old Pin@y walking down the street, I feel like speaking to them. Trying to know them as individuals, but knowing that what I am looking for is a connection to a mother who has passed away. I have stacks of tapes that contain her voice. I hold on so that my children can hear her voice. Is that morbid? To wish that your children can hear the voice of your mother?

In the end, I know that in order for new lives to enter my life, I must physically let go of these things. In my closet, I have a whole bag of clothes which my mother bought me. I do not have the physical courage to open it. I am reduced to near tears by an unopened bag of clothing from fifteen years ago.