Men and women. Dating. I have never understood this phenomena in my life.

I wish I could say that I was the Romeo of my high school. But whatever level of testosterone was circulating in my blood stream during those years, it was not enough for me to begin the hunt for the old wifey. Let's face it. I had a lot of fears. Fears of rejection were the main ones. But now that I look back on it, what was there to fear? I wish I knew then what I know now. That regret is a pretty heavy burden to carry. What if... What if... What if.

I do know one thing. My life would be drastically different now if I had followed through with some of my earlier choices. It's funny. During high school, I thought that the women I met were the one I was destined to marry. How could they not be? My heart just dropped when I was not with her. And my heart merrily skipped along when I was with her. I had never seen a girl affect physiological systems before.

What I do see now is that at each stage of your life, there is a perfect someone who will make you happy. The only problem is that three stages from now, they might not be the right fit for you anymore. And thus, we have divorces. Divorce is the poor man's version of a vacation, a new car, a vacation home or separate bedrooms.

Could it have been nearly twenty years ago that I was pining away from the women of my high school. If I remember correctly, several of them now have children. Heck, some of them have ten year old kids. And I at least know of one who has an eighteen year old!!!! Talk about a different life!

I remember one friend named Zyva (names have been changed to protect me) who is beautiful, intelligent and just plain cute without makeup. Now if you have a criteria for beauty, that is it. Is the woman beautiful without makeup? Or, do you have to spackle the makeup on to make them look presentable?

I met Zyva in my math class. "Wow", I said. "That one is really cute." And through the school year, she also proved herself to be one of the smartest people. I kept trying to get the highest score only to have her score really high. I was straight from the Philippines and was as shy as a plant. The only time I moved was when the breeze blew. Then, I couldn't help but flap my leaves in a vain attempt to say hello.

A year passes and Zyva is now in my English class. But she sits so far from me. No matter, she sits next to me in my math class again! God bless Geometry because I always sat next behind Zyva! While trying to do geometric proof that a line through two points is a straight line, I could lovingly look at Zyva's lovely hair. Sometimes, I even looked at it througout the class period. How soft could the hair be? I never touched a girl's hair before. Ooops, I better pay better attention. Mr. Kohn might be discussing a three step proof.

I began to talk a little bit to Zyva from time to time. Unfortunately at the end of the schoolyear, I saw something that changed both of our lives forever. She was at the window signalling someone. Suddenly I saw her signal that signal that said "I love you." Only this time, she was looking out of the window and not straight to me. Suddenly, my stomach sank. My life just went out of me. I knew. She was in love with someone else.

I looked out from the third floor window and saw a guy signalling back to Zyva. I was too late. Just that morning, I was trying to figure out how to ask Zyva on a date. Do I hold her books when I walk her home? If I do that, how do I get home? I don't even know where she lives. Crap, I might get lost. Well, it doesn't matter now. Someone else is holding her books.

My thoughts drifted to other women in the high school after that. But I always remained attracted to Zyva. She was beautiful with a tinge of tragedy to her. I could never explain. Actually, I have seen it in a few women from time to time. Their faces have the look of eternal sadness etched onto water. Sometimes you see the sadness so clearly. Sometimes you will see their happy face tinged with the sadness. Everything they do, they are followed by tragedy.

The what-if of Zyva followed me well into graduate school until a friend of mine suggested that I contact her. I heard that Zyva had some children and was happily married. I figured I had no right to do that just to rest some skeletons in my closet. No, I had to rest this memory on my own. But if I ever have the opportunity to dance the tango with Zyva, I think this time I will.