Monday, November 24, 2003


With the insistence of the SO, I ended up taking the gender test. I had always thought that I had a balance of female-male energy. Heck for the longest time, I was wondering about my sexuality. Was I gay or not?

And how can I not wonder about my sexuality? I used to cut out pictures of women in those beautiful long evening gowns. I would stare at the faces of models on Cosmopolitan and marvel at their beauty and make-up style. I yearned to style the hair of the models. But of course, while I fantasized about these models, I would also fantasize about them going to bed with me. Can you imagine me, the Seducing Hairstylist cum Fashion Designer?

(me, with a very high pitched voice proclaiming gayhood) Oh! Come sit down my deahhr!!! Are you call comfy? What hair style do we want? Oh, we want short and sassy? All the more to attract the boys? Wash the hair. Then, seduce the client with a deep voice saying, "You have very beautiful eyes. I haven't seen eyes such mystery since looking at this Mary Magdalene's eyes in my dreams."

Bwahahhahah! Hmm, I wonder if I can wear a cape as a hairstylist? Charing!!! But of course, just like with other aspects of my life, I would get bored with the drudgery of everyday life of a hairstylist. All that curling of hair, cutting of hair, seducing of clients. I am sure that it would all get too boring. Although, I certainly bought into the fantasy of Warren Beatty and his hair stylist who sleeps around in that movie Shampoo.

And yes, I was also interested in fashion design. What can I say? I love the female form. One credit to Andoy Cunanan was that he ended the career of the maverick fashion designer Gianni Versace. Now, I believe it was Bill Blass who said something like "Versace butchered the female form. His clothing was not flattering to the female form at all." But to be fair (not like those liars at Fox News who lie and lie and lie and toss red herrings all about), I believe Versace was also honored with an exhibit at the Museum of Modern art in New York City.

But back to my sexuality. To tell you the truth, if the measure of gayness was only limited to evening gowns, hair styling, make-up and making esctatic love to women, then hell yeah, I would be gay. But, there's just that one thing about being gay that I have no attraction for. Men. Who the hell would want to sleep with men? They are stupid, dumb and can barely think with two heads. Give me the softness of women, their gentle caresses and I can style their hair any time. Oh, by the way, apparently, the test could calculate with 86% certainty that I am female.

You know, for every question, we track very carefully what each gender answers. This allows us to guess with the utmost accuracy what you are. And in the rare case where we guess incorrectly (like now), we have the opportunity to learn from nature's mistake. You.

People like you, who walk the scary line between man and woman, are *very* helpful in understanding exactlywhat it means to be human. Thanks, and good luck.

Hmm, if I am a female who likes other females, does that mean that I am a lesbian? Shit, I don't feel the urge to buy myself a Harley-Davidson motorcycle or do other lesbian stuff. Well, except to sleep around with other women who are not lesbians. But then, wouldn't I just be a woman thinking she's a lesbian who does not like other women so in reality I am just a man who is really a woman?

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