Goodbye and Thank You


When I left for college, I began to accumulate material things. At 18 years old, I thought that having materials would give me happiness. So, I started to buy things through credit cards. I thought that buying and shopping made me feel good. Every time I saw something that just came out, I lusted after it. Portable CD player? Bought one. Five disc CD player? Got one. 250megasomething amplifier? Yup, that too. VHS player? Got three. Sony 27 inch television? Got it in my first year at graduate school. I thought buying electronic equipment would satisfy this yearning and gaping hole in my chest.

Just like everyone else, shopping did not satisfy that fear that was inside of my chest. Now, I see all the young people buying left and right and contributing to the massive progress of the capitalist world, and I breathe a sigh of relief at not having to be the one to buy, buy, buy. Now, through the help of some financial books, I see that shopping is a reaction to the fear of leading an empty life. Shopping is a reaction to the fear of not knowing how to lead a life. Spending money is the ignorance of not knowing that you have the habits of being poor. The old timers had it right when they said you needed to save your money and invest it wisely.

If only my high school had taught this lesson to me instead of shop class, I would not be a recovering financial wreck. At least, I am not deep into the debt hole as some people I know who are in debt of up to $100,000. That's a third of a house. Wow.

One side effect of the buying binge that I did a long time ago is that I have an apartment full of outdated and non-functioning equipment. Added to this the fact that I had a poverty mentality of trying to be a pack rat and I have a very crowded apartment. In the last few months, with the help of the SO, I have begun to clean and throw things out.

Why is it so hard to throw some stuff out? First, the cost. The cost keeps coming up in my head. This one cost me $250; how can I throw it away? This jacket cost me $100. What? To the dump? The more I look at the things that I have to throw away, the more I am reminded that I made some major mistakes in life. Not just mistakes about buying stuff, but also mistakes about how I treated some friends. When all of that comes back, I feel fatigued and would rather sleep than face all the memory. Damn this photographic memory. Why counldn't I have photographic memory when it comes to my studies? How come I see permutations and probabilities of events that are about to happen and events that did happen like they were roads not taken?

But, with the Power of the SO, I have been able to say "Thank you" and "Goodbye." Two simple words through which I absolve myself of my mistakes and release into the world that which reminds me of it. It can be freeing. It can be exulting. There were these books which were supposed to have been used for a test that I would have taken if I had become a physician. Those books sat there for about seven years! Each time I saw them, I thought, wow, another thing left undone, incomplete. But really, that path was closed off when I chose certain roads. I needed to jettison the baggage.

Last summer, we managed to have a garage sale and though the books were not sold, they were donated off to some store that recycles. I no longer see the constant reminder of "What if I had done that?" Instead, I just see how much lighter I feel when I don't have to keep living in the past.

Living in the past. I guess this is what I was doing. I would hold up something that would make me remember and I would cringe at the a****le that I was. I would be embarassed at the crudeness and the immaturity I had. Why was I keeping this again? I never did have a happy smile when I saw it.

Another reason for keeping things is that I when I lost my mother, I was far away. I scrounged around to try and keep things that she had given me. Letters, bills, notes, flowers from graduation, clothes. Lots and lots of clothes. I can not throw away a rag of a shirt because she bought it for me. The SO says that my mother would not want me to be sad. So I thank the rag and I place it in a bag of trash. I cherish the moment when my mother took me shopping when I was sixteen and I go on with my life.

Probably, I have this fear that my children will not know my father and my mother because they never met them. It is hard and it can happen because I did not know about my father's parents. Even now, I find it difficult to find from my aunts and uncles just who my grandparents were. Talk about colonized. They forget who their parents are. It's a good thing that my uncle was a writer. He wrote about his childhood.

During vacation, we saw my mother's album full of photos of people we do not know. I never did videotape mom when she was talking about the people in the book. Some of the photos are of my siblings. But most of them are of my mother and her friends. The faces are nameless and smiling. The clothes are faded and old. What are memories when you have no stories that go with said memories?

Today, we got rid of a sofa, a television and two monitors. The television was the first television my family owned in the United States. It was worth something like $350 to $400 in 1982 USA. The sofa was from an acquaintance who was leaving for medical school. I thought I needed a sofa. One monitor was from the first computer I ever had. I even kept the old boxes that came with the monitor. My first purchase that cost me over $2500. Jesus, did I really spend that much for a computer? I believe I had to get a loan for that. The other monitor was my dream monitor, a 21 inch. It cost about $1500 and I bought it for $400 used. It lasted me two years. It was the best years for monitors. I'm hoping to someday get the 21 inch High definition apple monitor. But, only when I can afford it.

Thank you and goodbye.